whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
