I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
