I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
