P.S. I can't hear my feet
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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