I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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