My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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