And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
