dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
