I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
