During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
