gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
