I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
