I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
