i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Floor bacon is actually really good
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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