fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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