my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
