I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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