How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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