How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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