Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
