I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
