He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
