i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am available for nakedness
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
