dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
