I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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