dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
