ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
