I wish you could order shots online.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
