Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
