They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
