I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
