i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
