Four minutes until I can fart!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
