if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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