Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
