Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
