i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
