he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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