In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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