Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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