dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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