i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
