Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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