I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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