Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
