woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Randomize
