It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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