My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
