Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
