You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
