I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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