Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i drank out of a bidet.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
