they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
