I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
